At the end of the 3 rd week i could put my thoughts together and find a chance to scratch something.
Beginning was mostly weird. Last two weeks passed too fast with getting ready, shopping and house’s last procedures.
A date that can not be forgotten ever.
January 1st 2012.
I came home afternoon. Although everything seemed casual i had storms in me. All feelings, emotions melded each other and were boiling right in the middle of my body like a bobble that wants to make volcanos jealous.
I checked my stuff one more time. It took 4 more times than one time. I was taking everything out of bag, keeping out a few of them seemed unnecessary and packing back. Than I was emptying my bag one more time and checking again one more time. A few hours passed with that.
My flight was at 10 am from Izmir. Because i would go to the airport via bus I had to leave home at 6 am. When time got nearer thrill ascended, my hands and feet started to shake slowly.
I looked a few more times to my bag. All i’ve got was just a bag full stuff. I looked one more time to my room. I glupped while thinking that i would never see my room, my home, Izmir where i love very much, everyone that i knew, my loved ones and hated ones again.
After i played for last time with my cats, i found myself at the door with my backpack.
I thought what i was doing one more time before i closed the door.
Everybody i knew, all i got, all i lived and was going to be lived would be behind me any more.
I closed the door slowly. Took a deep breath. Thrill and fear of the first step is too far from explaining. You should live.
After walking a little on the street i turned back and take a look one more time to house. There was no one around except me. Looked to the house. Couldn’t keep myself to ask “Am i doing the right thing?”.
“Go Güneş” i heard a voice. From very deep within. I kept walking. Alll the meaning of what i saw or heard during the way, started to change. I had started to move on with leaving the back and past behind. At the end of the road i looked back one more time. And one more time the familiar voice was saying “Think well, is this right what you are about to do?
And one more time, that familiar voice i know more now said “Go Güneş!”.
I understood that the one/thing i left behind was calling me every time i looked back. I had started to move on one time anyhow. The only thing that can be done was leaving the past where it was and to keep moving on.
I was looking to the people around while waiting waiting for bus. Everyone was going somewhere. No one was aware of that they were going because they knew they would turn back.
But my situation was opposite. I had a decision of a progress which has no return. Anything that i saw, heard, felt was giving me more joy. Time started to lose its meaning slowly.
I watched while i was on the bus. My mind was almost frozen, the thoughts were not flowing. There were just feelings. Everything around was too shiny and colourful as i has never seen before.
According to what i’ve heard and read, the hardest part of the journeys is the moment of getting on the road. It was my turn to live this harness. The meanings of notions had already started to change, time and place had already started to lose their definitions. The union of all those was generating a freedom feeling that never had been felt before.
The only place where i belong is MY BODY,
The only time that i belong is NOW…
The past is only in memories, future is kept closed in dreams.
The only reality subsists on THIS MOMENT..